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1 Using “I” Statements
Practicing open, honest communication is sometimes trickier than it seems. This can be especially true when we are dealing with conflict, and feeling blamed or guilty.
In these instances, we may say hurtful things or things that we don’t mean while attempting to express our needs or emotions.
Using “I” Statements can be a straightforward way to communicate how you feel, while simultaneously owning your feelings and outlining the details of the problem as you perceive it.
Worksheet
This worksheet contains a simple formula for using “I” Statements, as well as some helpful examples to get you started.
Fill in the blanks to practice crafting your own “I” Statements. “I” feel [emotion] when
[situation/context/challenge] ”
For example:
Situation “You always make me late because you never tell me our plans in advance” “I” Statement “I feel stressed out when you don’t update me about our plans.” Situation “You always talk about your amazing weekend when you know I have no days off.” “I” Statement “I feel left out when I can’t join in your weekend plans.” Fill In The Blanks
Situation A relative asks to borrow money for the third time this week. You’re saving for bills and tight on cash.
“I” Statement
Situation Your neighbor parks across your driveway every day. You have to park in the street and carry heavy groceries up a long driveway.
“I” Statement
Situation A friend cannot make it to your upcoming performance. You’ve been practicing a special song for them for weeks.
“I” Statement
• 175 •
Appendix C: Feelings Versus Evaluations
Masquerading as Feelings
Evaluative Word Feeling(s) Need(s)
abandoned
terrified, hurt,
bewildered, sad,
frightened, lonely
nurturing, connection,
belonging, support, caring
abused angry, frustrated,
frightened
caring, nurturing, support,
emotional or physical wellbeing, consideration, for
all living things to flourish
(not) accepted upset, scared, lonely
inclusion, connection,
community, belonging,
contribution, peer respect
attacked scared, angry safety
belittled angry, frustrated,
tense, distressed
respect, autonomy, to be
seen, acknowledgment,
appreciation
betrayed
angry, hurt,
disappointed,
enraged
trust, dependability,
honesty, honor,
commitment, clarity
blamed
angry, scared,
confused,
antagonistic, hostile,
bewildered, hurt
accountability, causality,
fairness, justice
bullied angry, scared,
pressured
autonomy, choice, safety,
consideration
caged/boxed in angry, thwarted,
scared, anxious
autonomy, choice,
freedom
cheated resentful, hurt, angry honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability
coerced
angry, frustrated,
frightened, thwarted,
scared
choice, autonomy,
freedom (to act freely,
to choose freely)
176 Words That Work In Business
Evaluative Word Feeling(s) Need(s)
cornered angry, scared,
anxious, thwarted autonomy, freedom
criticized
in pain, scared,
anxious, frustrated,
humiliated, angry,
embarrassed
understanding,
acknowledgment,
recognition,
accountability,
nonjudgmental
communication
discounted/
diminished
hurt, angry,
embarrassed,
frustrated
acknowledgment,
inclusion, recognition,
respect, to matter
disliked sad, lonely, hurt
connection, appreciation,
understanding,
acknowledgment,
friendship, inclusion
distrusted sad, frustrated trust, honesty
dumped on angry, overwhelmed respect, consideration
harassed angry, frustrated,
pressured, frightened
respect, space,
consideration, peace
hassled irritated, distressed,
angry, frustrated
serenity, autonomy, to do
things at my own pace
and in my own way, calm,
space
ignored lonely, scared, hurt,
sad, embarrassed
connection, belonging,
inclusion, community,
participation
insulted angry, embarrassed
respect, consideration,
acknowledgment,
recognition
interrupted angry, frustrated,
resentful, hurt
respect, to be heard,
consideration
intimidated scared, anxious safety, equality,
empowerment
Appendix C 177
Evaluative Word Feeling(s) Need(s)
invalidated angry, hurt, resentful
appreciation, respect,
acknowledgment,
recognition
invisible sad, angry, lonely,
scared
to be seen and heard,
inclusion, belonging,
community
isolated lonely, afraid, scared community, inclusion,
belonging, contribution
left out sad, lonely, anxious inclusion, belonging,
community, connection
let down sad, disappointed,
frightened
consistency, trust,
dependability, consistency
manipulated
angry, scared,
powerless, thwarted,
frustrated
autonomy, empowerment,
trust, equality, freedom,
free choice, connection,
genuineness
mistrusted sad, angry trust
misunderstood upset, angry,
frustrated
to be heard,
understanding, clarity
neglected lonely, scared
connection, inclusion,
participation, community,
care, to matter,
consideration
overpowered angry, impotent,
helpless, confused
equality, justice,
autonomy, freedom
overworked angry, tired,
frustrated
respect, consideration,
rest, caring
patronized angry, frustrated,
resentful
recognition, equality,
respect, mutuality
pressured anxious, resentful,
overwhelmed
relaxation, clarity, space,
consideration
178 Words That Work In Business
Evaluative Word Feeling(s) Need(s)
provoked
angry, frustrated,
hostile, antagonistic,
resentful
respect, consideration
put down angry, sad,
embarrassed
respect, acknowledgment,
understanding
rejected hurt, scared, angry,
defiant
belonging, inclusion,
closeness, to be seen,
acknowledgment,
connection
ripped off/
screwed
anger, resentment,
disappointed
consideration, justice,
fairness, acknowledgment,
trust
smothered/
suffocated
frustrated, fear,
desperation
space, freedom,
autonomy, authenticity,
self-expression
taken for
granted
sad, angry, hurt,
disappointed
appreciation,
acknowledgment,
recognition, consideration
threatened
scared, frightened,
alarmed, agitated,
defiant
safety, autonomy
trampled angry, frustrated,
overwhelmed
empowerment,
connection, community,
to be seen, consideration,
equality, respect,
acknowledgment
tricked embarrassed, angry,
resentful integrity, trust, honesty
unappreciated sad, angry, hurt,
frustrated
appreciation, respect,
acknowledgment,
consideration
unheard sad, hostile,
frustrated
understanding,
consideration, empathy
Appendix C 179
Evaluative Word Feeling(s) Need(s)
unloved sad, bewildered,
frustrated
love, appreciation,
empathy, connection,
community
unseen sad, anxious,
frustrated
acknowledgment,
appreciation, to be seen
and heard
unsupported sad, hurt, resentful support, understanding unwanted sad, anxious,
frustrated
belonging, inclusion,
caring
used sad, angry, resentful autonomy, equality,
consideration, mutuality
victimized frightened, helpless empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice
violated sad, agitated,
anxious
privacy, safety, trust,
space, respect
wronged angry, hurt,
resentful, irritated
respect, justice, trust,
safety, fairness
*This list was developed in the April 2000 Wisconsin International Intensive, edited by Susan Skye.
NEEDS
SURVIVAL
Sustenance
Nurturance
Procreation
Sensory Stimulation
AUTONOMY
Freedom
Choice
Creativity
Empowerment
Power with
TRANSCENDENCE
Presence
Inspiration
Evolution
Beauty
Harmony
Flow
Space
WELL-BEING
Healing
Peace of Mind
Balance
Ease
Trust
PROTECTION
Security
Safety
Justice
Respect
Consideration
MEANING
Purpose
Contribution
Competence
Integrity
REGENERATION
Celebration
Gratitude
Mourning
Leisure
HONESTY Play
Authenticity
Self-Connection
Self-Expression
Clarity
Learning
INTERDEPENDENCE
Cooperation
Community
Inclusion
Mutuality
Support
EMPATHY
Understanding
Connection
Love
Acceptance
Affection
Compassion
Needs: Resources required to sustain and enrich life.
Needs are universal.
Needs make no reference to any specific person
doing any specific thing.
Key Distinction: Need vs. Strategy
Inspired by the work of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. and Manfred Max-Neef, Ph. D.,Chilean economist © 2005 peaceworks Jim & Jori Manske, CNVC Certified Trainers in Nonviolent Communicationsm cnvc.org radicalcompassion.com
Bargaining in the Shadow of the Heart
Stephen H. Sulmeyer, J.D., Ph.D.
IACP Seminar
August-September 2023
The Awareness Wheel
A step-by-step guide to talking about what you’re really talking about O Observation (“What I’m observing is . . . .”)
I Interpretation (“I’m interpreting that to mean . . . .”) F Feeling (“How I feel about that is . . . .”)
W Want or Need (“What I want/need is . . . .”)
A Action (“And therefore the action I’m willing to take is . . .”) R Request (“And what I request that you do is . . . .”) Copyright © 2023 Stephen H. Sulmeyer
Examples of Emotional Outcroppings
• Self-protective body language
• Change in tone or volume of voice
• Change in facial expression
• Looking away
• Staring/glaring
• Tightening up
• Shutting down
• Tearing up
• Not displaying emotion when it would be appropriate to do so (the “dog that didn’t bark”)
• Interrupting
• Abruptly changing the subject
• Giggling when topic is not funny
• Voice speeds up
• Sitting on hands
• Rocking
Copyright © 2026 Stephen H. Sulmeyer
Feeling Words
Sad
Depressed
Gloomy
Melancholy
Mournful
Grieving
Desolate
Unhappy
Distressed
Dismal
Glum
Dejected
Bleak
Empty
Grim
Blue
Weepy
Tearful
Upset
Barren
Sorrowful
Lonely
Discouraged
Devastated
In the doldrums
Demoralized
Miserable
Glad
Contented
Happy
Fulfilled
Joyful
Ecstatic
Elated
Euphoric
Positive
Serene
Exhilarated
Thrilled
Fine
Pleasant
Gratified
Terrific
Satisfied
Delighted
Jovial
Affable
Elevated
Pleased
Cheerful
Excited
Glowing
High
Marvelous
Mad
Angry
Furious
Enraged
Wrathful
Hateful
Pissed off
Ticked off
Miffed
Irritated
Annoyed
Upset
Vexed
Spiteful
Vengeful
Irked
Cross
Perturbed
Scornful
Exasperated
Hostile
Aggravated
Agitated
Indignant
Galled
Seething
Bitter
Bad
Hopeless
Distraught
Despairing
Lost
Alienated
Worthless
Unlovable
Defective
Deficient
Inadequate
Powerless
Broken
Overwhelmed
Ashamed
Guilt-ridden
Impotent
Isolated
Confused
Troubled
Hurt
Wounded
Insignificant
Emasculated
Weak
Forsaken
Mortified
Scared
Frightened
Panicky
Terrified
Afraid
Fearful
Dread
Nervous
Anxious
Timid
Jittery
Apprehensive
Vulnerable
Hesitant
Shaky
Frozen
Petrified
Paralyzed
Jumpy
Mistrustful
Defended
Uncertain
Alarmed
Embarrassed
Threatened
Uncomfortable
Worried
Copyright © 2026 Stephen H. Sulmeyer
Needs
Privacy
Autonomy
To be heard
Contribution
Communication
Support
To matter
Acceptance
Happiness
Mutuality
Peace
Rest
Learning
Trust
Equanimity
Enthusiasm
Connectedness
Knowing
Mirroring
Affection
Spontaneity
Harmony
Connection
Competence
Equality
Confidence
Fulfillment
Understanding
Inclusion
Consideration
Consistency
Friendship
Serenity
Empowerment
Commitment
Respect
Significance
Gratification
Joy
Satisfaction
Support
Kindness
Inspiration
Community
Purpose
Accountability
Agency
Clarity
To be seen
To mourn
Justice
Empathy
Care
Collaboration
Ease
Transparency
Strength
Dignity
Gratitude
Patience
Beauty
Fulfillment
Sustenance
Growth
Security
Order
Space
Community
Partnership
Recognition
Hope
Celebration
Opportunity
Self-worth
Love
Authenticity
Relaxation
Appreciation
Potency
Companionship
Delight
Survival
Awe
Self-actualization
Creativity
Learning
Play
Efficiency
Attention
Reassurance
Fun
Freedom
Meaning
Courage
Safety
Belonging
Fairness
Health
Reliability
Honesty
Acknowledgment
Vulnerability
Self-esteem
Nurturance
Nature
Self-transcendence
Cooperation
Integrity
Wholeness
Compassion
Copyright © 2026 Stephen H. Sulmeyer
The Awareness Wheel
A step-by-step guide to talking about what you’re really talking about (Developed by psychologists Sherod Miller, Phyllis Miller, Elam W. Nunnally, and Stephen Sulmeyer)
O Observation (“What I’m observing is . . . .”)
I Interpretation (“I’m interpreting that to mean . . . .”) F Feeling (“How I feel about that is . . . .”)
W Want or Need (“What I want/need is . . . .”)
A Action (“And therefore the action I’m willing to take is . . .”) R Request (“And what I request that you do is . . . .”) Copyright © 2026 Stephen H. Sulmeyer
Structured Communication
One important tool that can open up the discussion and keep it from unraveling is structured communication.
• Both parties agree that they will take turns, alternating speaking and listening. • One person goes first, and makes a single point. The other listens. • After the speaker has finished, the listener repeats back what they’ve heard to the other’s satisfaction.
• After the listener repeats back their understanding of what the speaker said, they ask, “did I get that right? Did I leave anything out?”
• Only after the speaker indicates that they feel completely and accurately heard, they switch roles, and the listener becomes the speaker.
• Repeat, and go back and forth until both sides feel heard and complete.
When the parties know they’ll have to repeat back what they’ve heard to the other’s satisfaction, they inevitably listen much more carefully, and with less reactivity. The usual urge to interrupt, rebut the other’s point or press their own position tends to disappear. As a result, both parties often feel like they’ve been able to say what they needed to say, and that what they’ve said has been heard. Equally important, structured communication exposes both parties to the other’s actual perspectives, interests, needs and motivations. When those internal realities are spoken clearly and heard carefully, the mind no longer has to fill in the gaps with assumptions and projections. The false story about the other person begins to collapse under the weight of new and better data.
Copyright © 2026 Stephen H. Sulmeyer