Consensual Non-monogamy Fact Sheet
The purpose of this resource is to provide a comprehensive, sourced introduction toconsensual non-monogamy and related topics. This guide is intended for journalists,content creators, advocates, and anyone interested in learning more aboutnon-monogamy! Sources are provided whenever possible. This guide focuses onnon-monogamy as an overall topic and does not provide any personal or relationshipadvice. This resource is organized into the following sections (click to jump):
● Consensual non-monogamy 101● Myths & misconceptions
This document was created byOPEN (Organization forPolyamory and EthicalNon-monogamy)in collaboration withChosen FamilyLaw Center&Polyamory LegalAdvocacy Coalition. We’d also like to thank the manyresearchers whose work wecite.
Comments? Contributions? Feedback? Write us at [email protected] Consensual Non-monogamy 101
● What is consensual non-monogamy?
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) describes a range of relationship styles andstructures that involve multiple intimate, romantic or sexual partners, with the fullknowledge and consent of everyone involved. CNM is an umbrella term thatencompasses practices including polyamory, open relationships, swinging (alsoknown as the “lifestyle”), and more. People use the terms “consensualnon-monogamy” (CNM) and “ethical non-monogamy” (ENM) interchangeably, orsometimes just “non-monogamy” (after all, there are already words fornon-consensualnon-monogamy, such as “cheating” and“infidelity”). 1 ● What does consensual non-monogamy look like in practice? Because consensual non-monogamy encompasses a range of relationship styles,it can look like a lot of different things in practice! It might look like a polyamoroustriad of three individuals dating one another, but no one else. It might look like amarried, heterosexual couple who vacation at a swingers resort where theymingle with other couples in the “lifestyle.” It might look like four or more adultsall dating one another and raising kids together. There are even “mono-poly”pairings, where one partner is monogamous and the other partner ispolyamorous and consensually has other partners. Despite this variety, manynon-monogamous individuals have a common set of experiences and intereststhat we seek to address throughout this document. ● How prevalent is consensual non-monogamy?
Multiple surveys and studies evidence that around5% of American adults, orabout 10 million people, currently practice consensual non-monogamy.
A series of academic studies (2014, 2017) found that4-5% of American adultscurrentlypractice some form of ethical non-monogamyand one in five adults inNorth America will engage in ethical non-monogamy at some point in their lives .
In a more recent survey, one-third of American adults describe their idealrelationship assomething other than complete monogamy, and 6% ofrespondents said that theircurrent relationship iscompletely non-monogamous(2023). ● Who practices non-monogamy?
Non-monogamy is practiced by people from all walks of life. The proportion ofpeople who have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in theirlife wasnotfound to vary significantly across age, education level, income,religion, region, political affiliation, and race. Non-monogamy is more commonamong people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. (2016), and is also morecommon among Millennials and Gen Z compared to Baby Boomers and Gen X. ● Why do people choose non-monogamy?
People prefer non-monogamy for a range of reasons. When researchers askednon-monogamous individuals to list the benefits of their relationship type, thetop responses were as follows (in order of frequency mentioned) (2017)(2021):
2 ○ Access to a large social network of friends and family○ Desire for honesty and lack of deception○ Having more people to meet one’s needs, resulting in having more of one’sneeds met○ More non-sexual activities and variety in one’s life○ Personal autonomy and freedom○ More access to emotional support○ Open and honest communication ● Additionally, some people choose non-monogamy due to their preferencesaround sex and intimacy. Examples include:
○ A relationship in which one or more partner is bisexual or pansexual anddesires sex and intimacy with partner(s) of multiple genders○ A relationship where only one partner is asexual (does not experience sexualdesire or attraction)○ A relationship in which partners have different sexual needs and desires,such as widely differing “sex drives” or kink preferences ● Do non-monogamous individuals face discrimination?
Almost two-thirds of non-monogamous adults reported experiencing some formof discrimination based on their non-monogamous identity or relationshipstyle/structure (2020). Examples include family rejection, difficulty accessingsupportive mental health care, housing discrimination, and workplacediscrimination. Additionally, non-monogamous partnerships are denied access toa range of benefits that married spouses receive related to inheritance,immigration, parental rights, taxation, and more. “Relationship structure” isnota protected category, meaning that it is legal todiscriminate against people based on the non-monogamous identity and/orrelationship style/structure in housing, employment, and even custody disputes.
Non-monogamous individuals also face social and cultural stigma. In a 2023survey of American adults, a majority said that polyamory is “morally wrong”(2023). Compared to monogamous relationships, consensuallynon-monogamousrelationships areperceivedas being low in relationshipquality, less committed,less moral, and harmful to children (2013, 2016, 2018), but research and people’slived experiences do not substantiate these sigmas! The pervasive societal stigma and discrimination consensually non-monogamousindividuals face harm their mental health and relationships. For many, the 3 additional stigma and discrimination experienced by the CNM community areinternalized, leading to increased psychological distress (e.g., increaseddepression and anxiety) and worse relationship outcomes (2021; 2021). ● Is non-monogamy becoming more popular?
Yes! The last few years has seen a surge in interest in non-monogamy.
A ten-year study found a “significant increase” insearch terms related topolyamory and open relationships between 2006-2015 (source).
Between 2016 and 2020, the percentage of American adults who described theirideal relationship as “completely monogamous” dropped from 61 to 55 percent,with even sharper drops among younger generations. During the same period,the percentage of adults who described their ideal relationship as “completelynon-monogamous” rose from seven to eight percent (2016, 2023). ● Is non-monogamy a new phenomenon?
Monogamy as the default mode of relationships is often seen as a universal andtimeless practice, but in fact, it is a relatively modern construction. Throughouthistory, non-monogamy has been practiced in many different cultures andcontexts; for example, many indigenous cultures in the Americas, Africa, and Asiatraditionally practiced various forms of non-monogamy. It was only with the riseof Christianity and the subsequent influence of Victorian morality thatmonogamy became the dominant form of relationship in Western society, withlegal and cultural norms enforcing its primacy. ● Is non-monogamy a sexual orientation? Is it a choice, or an immutableidentity? It’s complicated. While there is an argument to be made for viewing certainnon-monogamous identities as a sexual orientation in a legal context (2010),non-monogamy is not generally considered a sexual orientation as traditionallydefined (2016). While some people identify as “queer”based on theirnon-monogamous identity, non-monogamy is not considered part of thetraditional LGBTQIA+ spectrum.
Some non-monogamous people feel that non-monogamy is an important,intrinsic part of their identity; others feel it is a lifestyle choice or personal practice.Whether or not non-monogamy is an innate and immutability characteristic, this 4 is not a prerequisite for protection from discrimination. For example, religion andmarital status are protected classes and are not strictly immutable.
As Yale Law Professor Jessica Clarke writes: “Many courts now ask, ‘not whether acharacteristic is strictly unchangeable, but whether the characteristic is a coretrait or condition that one cannot or should not be required to abandon’ (2015). Or,as another judge put it, “‘immutability’ may describe those traits that are socentral to a person’s identity that it would be abhorrent for government topenalize a person for refusing to change them, regardless of how easy thatchange might be physically.’” (2021). This principleclearly applies to the CNMcommunity as the available research demonstrates that many perceive CNM as acentral aspect of their identity. ● Where does polygamy fit into all this?
Polygamy means marriage among multiple spouses. Polygamy is illegal in all USstates and territories and in most countries around the world. In the US, threecities allow for plural domestic partnerships (Somerville, Cambridge, andArlington in the state of Massachusetts). Notably, polygamy and polyamory areoften conflated but they are distinct concepts. Polygamy has a historicalconnection to religious fundamentalism, patriarchy, and traditional heterosexualmarriage, while polyamory originated from queer and feminist ideologies and isnot necessarily linked to marriage.
Myths & Misconceptions
● Myth: Consensual non-monogamy is just about sex.
Non-monogamous relationships encompass many forms of connections,including romantic, emotional, physical, and beyond. While sex and intimacyare often (though not always!) a feature of romantic relationships, it is notusually the main motivator for non-monogamy. When researchers askedpeople in non-monogamous relationships about the benefits of theirrelationship style, “sexual variety” ranked all the way down at #8, below“honesty,” “personal autonomy,” and “wider range of friends and family” (2017). ● Myth: Non-monogamous people are promiscuous and can’t commit to oneperson. 5 Fact: Non-monogamous people are capable of committing to one or morepartners, just like monogamous people. Relationship health, including theability to commit is not determined by the relationship structure. Peopleengaged in non-monogamy and monogamy report equal levels ofrelationship satisfaction, trust, commitment, and psychological health (2017;2015). Non-monogamous relationships require just asmuch communication,trust, and commitment as monogamous relationships, if not more. Beingnon-monogamous does not mean that one is always seeking new partners orthat they are unable to sustain long-term relationships. ● Myth: “Non-monogamy” is just an excuse for cheating.
It’s only “consensual non-monogamy” if it’s consensual! This means that allparties to the relationship or dynamic give their fully-informed consent, freefrom pressure, manipulation, or intimidation. This applies to all relationshipstyles under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy, from polyamory tothe swinger lifestyle.
This is not to say that it is not possible to cheatwithina consensuallynon-monogamous relationship by violating the mutual agreements of thatrelationship. ● Myth: Non-monogamy is something that privileged people do.
Reality: Non-monogamy is practiced by people from all walks of life.Regardless of age, education level, income, religion, region, political affiliation,or race, the percentage of people who have participated in consensualnon-monogamy at some point in their life has not shown significant variability(2017).
That said, because non-monogamous individuals face stigma anddiscrimination, it may be that people with privileged identities can be openabout their non-monogamous identity leading to more visibility. For example,it’s easier to be publicly polyamorous if you own your own company, comparedto if you’re an at-will employee worried about losing their job. ● Myth: Non-monogamous people are trying to abolish monogamy or pushtheir values on the rest of us.
Non-monogamous people are not out to “abolish” monogamy. We don’tbelieve that non-monogamy is better than monogamy, or that everyoneshould be non-monogamous. Rather, we do challenge the assumption that 6 monogamous relationships are the ideal, and that monogamous romanticrelationships should take priority over other forms of relationships. Whileeveryone has the right to choose monogamy, they should also have the rightto choose non-monogamy! ● Myth: Non-monogamy means anything goes!
Many non-monogamous relationships often involve more communication,negotiation, and explicit boundaries than traditional monogamousrelationships. Consent, honesty, and communication are key tenets ofnon-monogamous relationships. Just like in any relationship, there are rulesand boundaries that partners agree on together. Non-monogamy does notmean that partners are free to do whatever they want without regard for theirpartner's feelings or safety. ● Myth: Parents practicing non-monogamy is harmful to kids.
The myth that a parent or parents’ non-monogamy harmskids is notsupported by research. In fact, studies have shown that children raised inconsensually non-monogamous families fare no better or worse than childrenin monogamous families. Children in non-monogamous families can havesecure attachments to multiple caregivers, just as children in monogamousfamilies can have secure attachments to two parents, or more than twoparents in a blended family (i.e. families with parents and stepparents).Furthermore, children raised in non-monogamous families can benefit fromhaving a broader support network of caregivers and a more diverse range ofrole models. It's important to recognize that the stability and quality of care,not the number of adult caregivers or family structure, is what matters mostfor a child's well-being. 7