Act I
Scene 1
#I Prelude
URJ ETOWN 1
(Early morning. The poorest, filthiest urinal in town. Above the entrance to the urinal hangs a sign that reads ''Public Amenity #9''.
THE POOR lie sprawled across the stage, sleeping quietly. Music for "Urinetown "plays softly in the background. OFFICER
LOCKSTOCK enters from the house, inspecting the theater for orderliness. Satisfied, HE takes his place onstage and addresses the audience directly.)
LOCKSTOCK
Well, hello there. And welcome - to Urinetown!
(Pause)
Not the place, of course. The musical. Urinetown "the place" is ... well, it's a place you 'll hear people referring to a lot throughout the show.
#2 Urinetown
(PENELOPE PENNYWISE and BOBBY STRONG enter. THEY
carry with them a small table upon which rests a ledger.) PENNY
You hear the news? They carted Old So-and-So off to Urinetown the other day.
BOBBY
Is that so? What he do?
PENNY
Oh, such-and-such, I hear.
BOBBY
Well, what do you know. Old So-and-So.
(BOBBY and PENNY set up their workstation, placing the table beside the entrance to the amenity as THE POOR begin to rise.}
LOCKSTOCK
It's kind of a mythical place, you understand. A bad place. A place you won' t see until Ace Two. And then ... ? Well, lee's just say it's filled with symbolism and things like chat. (THE POOR sing the "Urinetown " theme on an "ooh II ever so softly as THEY prepare for another day. LITTLE SALLY enters, counting her pennies.}
But Urinetown "the musical, " well, here we are. Welcome. le cakes place in a town like any town ... that you might find in a musical. This here's the first setting for the show. As 2 URJNETOWN
LOCKSTOCK (CONT'D)
the sign says it's a "public amenity, " meaning public toilet. These people have been waiting for hours to get in; it's the only amenity they can afford to get into. (LITTLE SALLY approaches LOCKSTOCK)
LITTLE SALLY
Say, Officer Lockstock, is this where you tell the audience about the water shortage?
LOCKSTOCK
What's that, Little Sally?
LITTLE SALLY
You know, the water shortage. The hard times. The drought. A shortage so awful that private toilets eventually became unthinkable. A premise so absurd thatLOCKSTOCK Whoa there, Little Sally. Not all at once. They'll hear more about the water shortage in the next scene.
LITTLE SALLY
Oh. I guess you don' t want to overload them with too much exposition, huh?
LOCKSTOCK
Everything in its time, Little Sally. You 're too young to understand it now, but nothing can kill a show like too much exposition.
LITTLE SALLY
How about bad subject matter?
LOCKSTOCK
WellLITTLE SALLY
Or a bad title, even? That could kill a show pretty good.
LOCKSTOCK
Well, Little Sally, suffice it to say that in Urinetown(the musical) everyone has to use public bathrooms in order to take care of their private business. That's the central conceit of the showww!
(LOCKSTOCK sings.)
BETTER HOPE YOUR PE IES
ADD UP TO THE FEE -
WE CAN'T HA VE YOU PEEING
FOR FREE.
IF YOU DO, WE'LL CATCH YOU.
WE, WE NEVER FAIL!
URJ ETOWN
LOCKSTOCK (CONT'D)
AND WE NEVER BOTHER WITH JAIL.
(MCQUEEN, FIPP, and BARREL enter. ALL sing.)
ALL
YOU'LL GET URINETOWN!
OFF YOU'LL GO TO URI ETOWN!
AWAY WITH YOU TO URINETOWN!
LOCKSTOCK
YOU WO 'T EED BAIL.
(HOPE CLAD WELL enters. As LOCKSTOCK and LITTLE
SALLY speak, HOPE approaches BOBBY at his table.)
3 Later on you'll learn that these public bathrooms are controlled by a private company.
They keep admission high, generally, so if you' re down on your luck you have to come to a place like this - one of the poorest, filthiest urinals in town.
LITTLE SALLY
And you can't just go in the bushes either -there's laws against it.
LOCKSTOCK
That's right, Little Sally. H arsh laws, too. That's why Little Sally here's counting her pennies. Isn't that so, Little Sally?
LITTLE SALLY
I'm very close, Officer. Only a few pennies away.
LOCKSTOCK
Aren't we all, Little Sally. Aren't we all.
(LITTLE SALLY keeps counting.)
HOPE
Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me the way to the private company that controls these public bathrooms?
BOBBY
You mean Urine Good Company?
That's the one.
HOPE
LOCKSTOCK
(To the audience)
You'll meet the guy who runs Urine Good Company later. That there 's his daughter. 4 URJNETOWN
BOBBY
It's quite a ways from here, ma'am. This here's the bad part of town.
HOPE
So it is.
BOBBY
But if you squint, you can just make out their headquarters rising above the skyline.
HOPE
The gleaming tower on the hill?
BOBBY
That's the one.
HOPE
Gosh, it's beautiful.
BOBBY
You most certainly are.
HOPE
Pardon?
BOBBY
It most certainly is.
HOPE
Oh dear, I'm late already. Thanks ever so much for the directions and such. Bye! (HOPE exits.)
BOBBY
Anytime.
LOCKSTOCK
(To the audience)
Well, we've talked on long enough, I imagine.
Urinetown (the musical)!
(ALL sing.)
WOMEN
YOU OUR HUMBLE
AUDIENCE,
YOU HA VE COME TO
SEE
WHAT IT'S LIKE WHE
Enjoy the show. And welcome - - to
MEN
YOU OUR HUMBLE
AUDIENCE,
YOU HAVE COME TO
SEE
URJ ETOWN
WOMEN (CONT'D)
PEOPLE CAN'T PEE
FREE.
MEN (CONT'D)
PEOPLE CAN'T PEE,
PEOPLE CAN'T PEE FREE,
CAN'T PEE FREE.
FIRST ACT LASTS AN
HOUR. FIRST ACT LASTS AN
DON'T ASSUME YOU'RE HOUR
FI E.
BEST GO OW, THERE
OFTEN ISA
DO 'T ASSUME YOU'RE
FI E.
OFTEN ISA,
LINE. 0 FTEN IS A LINE.
ALL
THIS IS URINETOWN!
ONE RESTROOM HERE AT URINETOWN!
IT'S UNISEX AT URINETOWN!
ALL BY DESIGN.
LOCKSTOCK, MCQUEEN, FIPP, BARREL
IT'S THE OLDEST STORY -
MASSES ARE OPPRESSED;
FACES, CLOTHES, AND BLADDERS
ALL DISTRESSED.
RICH FOLKS GET THE GOOD LIFE,
POOR FOLKS GET THE WOE.
INTHEE D,IT'S OTHI GYOUDO 'TK OW.
ALL
YOU'RE AT URINETOWN!
YOUR TICKET SHOULD SAY "URINETOWN! "
NO REFUNDS, THIS IS URINETOWN!
WE'LL KEEP THAT DOUGH!
SOPRANOS ALTOS TENORS
THIS IS
THIS IS URINETOWN!
BASSES
5 PEOPLE URINETOWN! HERE WE ARE IN IT'S THE OLDEST
CAN'T PEE FREE! HERE WE ARE IN URINETOWN! STORY!
PEOPLE URINETOWN! THIS, THIS IS IT'S THE OLDEST
CAN'T PEE FREE! THIS IS URINETOWN! STORY!
PEOPLE URINETOWN! HERE WE ARE IN IT'S THE OLDEST
CAN'T PEE FREE, HERE WE ARE IN URINETOWN! YES, STORY, WITH THEY
CAN'T PEE FREE IN URINETOWN, YES HERE WE ARE IN MASSES OPTHIS IS URINETOWN! 6 SOPRANOS
URINETOWN!
URINETOWN!
URJNETOWN
ALTOS
URINETOWN!
URINETOWN!
TENORS
URINETOWN! YES,
THIS IS
URINETOWN!
ALL
ON WITH THE SHOW!
BASSES
MASSES OPPRESSED
IN
URINETOWN!
(LOCKSTOCK, BARREL, MCQUEEN, and FIPP exit as PENNY
shouts out instructions to the POOR.)
PENNY
All right, folks, you know the drill. Form a line and have yer money ready. We'll not be repeating yesterday's fiasco , and that means you, Old Man Strong. (THE POOR crowd around the amenity, fo rming a line.)
LITTLE SALLY
... Four hundred and ninety-six. Four hundred and ninety-seven. Just a few more. (MCQUEEN enters, now on his way to work. LITTLE SALLY
rushes toward him, her hand stretched out in supplication.) Penny for a pee, sir?
(MCQUEEN exits. SENA TOR FIPP enters.)
Please, sir, spare a penny for a morning pee, sir?
SENATOR FIPP
What's that?
LITTLE SALLY
Or a nickel or a dime?
SENATOR FIPP
Out of my way, child! I've peeing of my own to tend to.
ButI haven't got it!
Then go get it!
LITTLE SALLY
(FIPP exits. LITTLE SALLY joins the crowd. At the entrance to the amenity OLD MAN STRONG is arguing with PENNY)
OLD MAN STRONG
PENNY
OLD MAN STRONG
C'mon, Penny, I'm good for it.
URJ ETOWN 7
PENNY
That's what you said last week and I still haven't seen penny one. And it's Ms. Pennywise to you.
OLD MAN STRONG
Bobby! Bobby, reason with the woman. I'm a little short this morning.
TINY TOM
No shorter than yesterday. Unless I've grown.
BOBBY
H e's my pa, Ms. Pennywise. Can't he come in for free? Just this once? PENNY
Get your head out of the clouds, Bobby Strong. o one gets in for free.
OLD MAN STRONG
Now, Ms. Pennywise, we 've all had to make special ... arrangements with people in high places over the years. Why not let th is one be ours?
SOUPY SUE
If Old Man Strong gets in for free, then so do I!
TINY TOM
Andi!
LITTLE BECKY TWO-SHOES
Andi!
PENNY
Quiet back there! No one's gettin' anywhere for free! Don't you think I have bills of my own to pay?! Don't you think I have taxes and tariffs and payoffs to meet too?! Well, I do!
(Musical vamp for ''It's a Privilege to Pee 11 begins.) #3A It's A Privile e To Pee
PENNY
And I don't pay them with promises, see. I pay them with cash! Cold hard cash. Every morning you all come here. And every morning some of you got reasons why ya ain't gonna pay. And I'm here to tell ya, ya is gonna pay!
BOBBY
But Ms. Penny-
8 URJNETOWN
PENNY
No buts, Bobby.
OLD MAN STRONG
In the name of God, Penny, what difference could it make? #3a It's A Privile e To Pee
PENNY
What difference?!!
(Outraged, SHE sings.)
"TIMES ARE HARD."
"OUR CASH IS TIGHT."
"YOU'VE GOT O RIGHT!" I'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE.
"JUST THIS ONCE"
IS ONCE TOO MUCH,
FOR ONCE THEY'VEONCED, THEY'LL WANT TO ONCE
ONCE MORE.
I RUN THE ONLY TOILET I THIS PART OF TOWN, YOU SEE.
SO, IF YOU'VE GOT TO GO,
YOU'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH ME.
IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO PEE.
WATER'S WORTH ITS WEIGHT I GOLD THESE DAYS.
NO MORE BATHROOMS LIKE THE OLDEN DAYS.
YOU COME HERE AND PAY A FEE
FOR THE PRIVILEGE TO PEE.
TWENTY YEARS WE'VE HAD THE DROUGHT,
AND OUR RESERVOIRS HA VE ALL DRIED UP.
ITAKEMYBATHS OWi ACOFFEECUP.
I BOIL WHAT'S LEFT OF IT FOR TEA,
AND IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO PEE.
THE POLITICIANS IN THEIR WISDOM SAW
THAT THERE SHOULD BE A LAW.
THE POLITICIANS TAXED THE TOILETS
AND MADE ILLEGAL
PUBLIC URI ATIO AND DEFECATIO .
SO, COME AND GIVE YOUR COi S TO ME.
WRITE YOUR NAME HERE IN THE RECORD BOOK.
THE AUTHORITIES WILL WANT TO LOOK
IF YOU'VE BEEN REGULAR WITH ME,
IF YOU HA VE PAID THE PROPER FEE,
FOR THE PRIVILEGE TO PEE.
(THE POOR sing the refrain "It's a p rivilege to pee" under the following.)